I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
