My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
