you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
