Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
