I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
