My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
