If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
