dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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