I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
