Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
