I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
