Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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