I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
