I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
