Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
last night I used snow as a chaser
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
