Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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