Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
