This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
