Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
