pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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