my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
