Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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