this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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