thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
