My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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