Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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