youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
