Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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