you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
