i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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