saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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