My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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