After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
