I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
