I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
