I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
