dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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