His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
