So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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