Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
