and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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