I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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