I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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