woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
