come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
