I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
