Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
