I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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