Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
