Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
