whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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