I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
