you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
